I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
