The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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