The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
