Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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