Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
