Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
