Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
