at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
