he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
