I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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