I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
