apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
