I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
