i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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