I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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