In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh