you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on