I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize