haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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