Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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