My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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