her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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