highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i love accidental penises.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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