Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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