Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
