Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
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She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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