my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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