the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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