i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
