He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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