I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize