I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
