there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
