i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
