Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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