Apparently you make a good broom.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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