3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
