sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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