Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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