He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
