Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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