I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
