He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
