i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
