Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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