the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
