Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
