I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
