I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
