So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
