You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
