you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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