Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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