I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
