i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
