Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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