really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
