The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am one with the molecules
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
