I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
What's dad's email?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.